illusions

i've been going through a myriad of emotions lately, that is to say the least.
i've chosen between an apple and an apple tree, gave my best and lost in a contest... and lots more.
but the weird thing about it is... my reactions are all wrong.
i'll do an instance by instance telling of this one (no poems here)
first my "APPLE" thing.
if you got the message then well... i did say i wanted the tree more and these past events have with out a doubt proven how true that was. so what's weird about it....
when one is torn between to things one tends to choose the easier one or the "nearer one", but in my case... well... probably this is a case of loyalty i guess... i found that the challenge or the effort i've put in is a lot more catchy than other things.
some of my friends say i'm already crazy... some were also dumbfounded when i said that after all of that... i still loved my apple tree.
i am quite aware that i cannot be like this forever... but one cannot help what one tends to do.... and does.

another queer moment is...
it was "fiesta" sort of contest sponsored by the TLE dep. as i loved doing, i am the one who gave the effort in the presentation of the table. the whole week was a rush for me. assigning this and that. even until the last minutes of the preparations i was still up and about, making up the final design adjustments. i had so much fun. it has been so long since i've felt that much energy.
we lost. and usually i'd feel depressed.... but up to this moment i've not felt a single tinge of sadness.
i'm beginning to become apathetic even to my self. oh my gosh!!!

APATHY

right now i feel so abandoned, used, and abused
i could not believe that the tree that i'm leaning on
was the first to leave me
my efforts have been wasted
and my life has been turned into a living maze of entropy

it is not the action but the person who did the action
some things can be excused
some things can be forgotten
but some things are just too much

i did not work for my position
just to be a slave to my constituent
i try to listen
but i pray that i be heard
i give so much
give as much

stop using me as if you control me
stop being so unfeeling
stop being so irritating

you are not alone in this world
you do not control this world
and certainly
you do not control my world

everything has a limit
everything has a breaking point
it is unfortunate when we come to such places
but i alone cannot stop gravity